"The language of friendship is not words but meanings"
Life's a weird thing, right? One day you're with those who make you feel like invincibility itself, and the next you're trapped with that one who succeeds in dimming your light without even trying to. We all have such people in our lives the ones who don't so much wish us well, who maybe don't even realize when we are lit. They're not always mean or melodramatic about it, but their unsupportiveness has the power to take us down anyway. I've learned that not hanging around people who aren't supportive of you isn't petty or mean-spirited—it's making space for yourself to grow, to breathe, to be yourself.
So how do you recognize these unsupportive types? They're not always waving red flags. Other times it's subtle, like a friend who gives a lukewarm "That's nice" when you share with her something you're proud of. Or maybe a relative who will be more likely to tell you why your plans will never work instead of asking how he can help you. I used to have a friend who would always respond, "Good luck with that," in a tone that couldn't be more blatant in conveying that she didn't believe I would make it. It wasn't rude in your face, but it wore me down. Unsportsupportive people don't have to be obnoxious, they just don't give you a boost when you need it.
So why should any of this matter? Because the people in our surroundings have more of an effect on us than we notice. If all day every day you're doubted or simply avoided, it finds its way. You won't follow a passion because someone dismissed you and made a "really? you?" face. Maybe you stop even sharing with the people in our lives about what we're succeeding at because that's always put down. It's akin to attempting to jog with bricks tied to your ankles—someday you're too exhausted to continue.
I've witnessed it firsthand: a co-worker abandoned a pet project when his brother persistently labeled it a "waste of time." That type of criticism lodges in your brain in the event that you let it. Here's the thing: you don't necessarily have to allow it. Avoiding negative-nelly people is not about retaliating against them, it's about self-preservation. There is this just fantastic line of Jane Austen that I simply adore: "There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature." She means good, proper, true friendship, the whole shebang. If someone is not there for you, if they're not on your side, are they?
And you should get to have those people around who are those people who don't just support your dreams, but celebrate them. It is hard to identify who the unsupportive people are, if they've known you forever. One good trick is to see how you feel after spending time with them. Are you all fired up, or slightly flattened? Do they celebrate your wins, or redirect the conversation? I had a friend who would take my good news and make it a story about him. I thought I was being over sensitive, but I found myself no longer telling him.
That's your cue when you don't want to share anymore, something's wrong. So what do you do? You don't need to be so melodramatic and cut everyone off right away. Start with some space. Maybe you blow off a coffee break occasionally, or keep it short. If it's someone close, like a family member, try to set a boundary. You can say, "I know you care, but I don't want to hear the 'what ifs' right now." It feels icky I've blown those myself but it's a start. And if they won't respect that?
That's where you might have to back away a bit more. For the worst of them, you might have to release them altogether. I mean the ones who not only fail at being supportive they actually bring you down. Maybe they pick apart literally everything you do or make you feel tiny on purpose. I had to release a cousin like that. Every ring was a monologue on how I was doing something wrong—my job, my haircut, you name it. It first felt horrible to sever the connection, as if I was being heartless, but soon I realized I was so much lighter without her voice in my brain.
It's not something you do on a whim, but sometimes it's the only choice. As you're driving away from the bad ones, drive towards the good ones. You know, I mean the friends who text you "You've got this! " on a big day, or the relative who actually hears you when you're losing it. They're gold.
It's not magic it's just what happens when you stop carrying everyone else's doubts. At the end of the day, avoiding those who don't have your best interests at heart is about taking care of yourself. It's not mean-spirited or narcissistic it's survival. You've got dreams, quirks, and a whole life to live, and you don't need someone to dull that light. So take a look around at who has been orbiting you, cling to the ones who make you glow, and don't be afraid to release the rest. Grow and rise with those who are with you cuz you're worth it.